"Divorce is like death for a child" - Erica Komisar

TL;DR

Divorce psychologically devastates children like a death because it shatters their innate need for permanence, trust, and the illusion of parental omnipotence.

Key Points

• 1.Divorce destroys a child's foundational illusion of permanence. Children are born needing to believe their parents are all-powerful protectors; divorce forces them to see parental imperfection and human fallibility before they are emotionally ready.
• 2.Children commonly blame themselves for divorce due to magical thinking. Young children believe they are the center of the universe and control events around them, so if parents separate — especially after a child felt anger toward them — the child assumes responsibility for the breakup.
• 3.The psychological stages of divorce mirror the Kübler-Ross grief model. Children and parents cycle through disbelief, sadness, anger, and acceptance, but many get 'stuck' — sometimes for a decade — in one stage, particularly anger or despair, never reaching acceptance.
• 4.Parents must not 'leak' their pain onto their children during divorce. A major risk is parents oversharing loneliness, pain, or adult grievances with the child, effectively making the child a therapist; Komisar recommends both parents and children seek independent therapeutic support.
• 5.Long-term relational trust is shaped by how parents handle the divorce. How divorced parents communicate, cooperate, and prioritize the child over personal fairness directly determines whether that child can trust romantic relationships and see them as permanent in adulthood.