The Haters Guide to the 2026 NFL Draft

TL;DR

A satirical, opinionated breakdown of every first-round pick in the 2026 NFL Draft, roasting questionable decisions and praising smart ones.

Key Points

• 1.The top picks drew mixed reactions. Fernando Mendoza went first to the Raiders as a game-manager ceiling QB; David Bailey (Jets, pick 2) was the safer edge over Arville Reese; Arizona at pick 3 was roasted for drafting RB Jeremiah Love over glaring OL and defensive needs.
• 2.Several teams made defensively desperate moves. Kansas City traded up to snag CB Mansour Delane at pick 6 after losing Trent McDuffy; Dallas grabbed Caleb Downs at 11 after surrendering 400+ yards to Russell Wilson; Chicago landed Dylan Dinaman after Minnesota passed on him.
• 3.The Rams' pick of Tai Simpson at 13 was called the most controversial reach. A developmental QB with only 15 college starts, Simpson was taken despite Stafford winning an MVP, prompting visible displeasure from Sean McVay at his press conference.
• 4.Pittsburgh hosted the draft for 800,000+ attendees but got humiliated on the field by Philadelphia. The Steelers were burned when the Eagles swooped Mai Lemon (pick 19) right off their board, forcing Pittsburgh to scramble for their second option, Max Ehanure, while still waiting on a 42-year-old QB to decide his retirement.
• 5.The Eagles had the most celebrated draft night. Howie Roseman traded up with Dallas to steal WR Mai Lemon, then immediately followed by acquiring TE Jonathan Grard from Minnesota for two third-rounders and $50 million guaranteed, drawing both awe and horror.
• 6.Late first-round picks focused heavily on trenches and secondary help. New England grabbed tackle Caleb Lomu; Houston took guard Keelin Rutledge; the Jets closed the round with WR Omar Cooper Jr. from Indiana after San Francisco traded down twice.
• 7.The Seahawks closed the round as defending Super Bowl champions selecting RB Jadarian Price. Super Bowl MVP K9 had already departed to Kansas City, so Price pairs with Zach Charbonnet in a new-era backfield committee for post-championship Seattle.